Calling the crowd to join his disciples, he said, “Anyone who intends to come with me has to let me lead. You’re not in the driver’s seat; I am. Don’t run from suffering; embrace it. Follow me and I’ll show you how. Self-help is no help at all. Self-sacrifice is the way, my way, to saving yourself, your true self. What good would it do to get everything you want and lose you, the real you? What could you ever trade your soul for?
“If any of you are embarrassed over me and the way I’m leading you when you get around your fickle and unfocused friends, know that you’ll be an even greater embarrassment to the Son of Man when he arrives in all the splendor of God, his Father, with an army of the holy angels.”
I try to let God lead, but deep down I’m perhaps now resenting the call to embrace suffering; I’ve been trying to do it, and learn from the tough times, but I feel I’ve had enough of that and want my life to feel happier. I have lost the real me, I’ve spent too much time craving reassurance, trying to become what would make me liked by others; where did that confident teenager go? Will she ever come back?
I can be holier-than-thou and know that God’s ways are best, and that suffering brings me closer to Him and develops my character etc etc but I’m growing weary of walking blindly “onwards” without knowing “where to”. My personal, professional and church life has seen endings in the last 3and a half years, with a few new things starting but not lasting. Lots of Autumn and Winter moments, with no sign yet of Spring although it has to come.
Where does Faith end and Resignation to the Inevitable begin?